


in case it is the last time

by whatalol



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Car Accidents, Character Death, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Sad, Seriously guys this is sad from start to finish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 19:47:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6022557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatalol/pseuds/whatalol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“… unfortunately all four members of the British boy band were killed in the crash,” the female reporter says. </p><p>Nick feels his entire body go numb.</p><p> </p><p>[ or; the boys die in a car crash and Nick is trying to cope.]</p><p>**I'M KINDA DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS, SO PLEASE DON'T READ IT WITH HIGH EXPECTATIONS (but still read it :P ). I JUST WANTED TO GET IT OUT. lol **</p>
            </blockquote>





	in case it is the last time

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously I just really want to emphasise that this is not a happy story. I saw the news about Viola Beach and then i sorta didn't stop until this was written
> 
> NONE OF THIS IS REAL. RELAX PLS
> 
>  
> 
> Title from When We Were Young by Adele

Nick is standing near the couch, spoon in mouth, scrolling through a lengthy email from work, as he waits for his microwaved dinner. He glances at the TV where a picture of a smashed up car surrounded by police tape greets him and he unmutes it before going back to his phone.

“… unfortunately all four members of the British boyband were killed in the crash,” the female reporter says. Nick nearly doesn’t hear it but when he does he snaps his head up and stares at the screen, hand shaking slightly. “One Direction fans have taken to Twitter to express their outrage at the drunk driver and many are deeply affected by the tragedy,” she continues as the screen cuts to a clip of a group of teenage girls crying.

Nick feels his entire body go numb. He barely registers the sound of his spoon and phone hitting the ground.

The screen fades to a picture of Louis, Harry, Niall and Liam at the Brits last year and Nick begins to shake all over. He strains to hear what the reporter is saying, but suddenly her voice sounds thick and far away.

Nick’s knees hit the ground with a thud and he stares at the TV screen well after they move on to the next news story. His vision blurs with unshed tears while in his head, shock, anger and denial wage a powerful war.

He’s jarred out of his head when his phone vibrates against the hardwood floor. He answers Aimee’s call on speaker but his voice chokes and breaks when he tries to speak.

“Nick… love,” she starts slowly. Carefully.

Nick’s body heaves as sadness wins over other emotions and he shakes uncontrollably with sobs. He hauls himself into the kitchen just in time to throw up into the sink. He vomits until he’s sobbing and dry heaving.

His microwave dings and he stares at it blankly as he thinks about the last text he sent Harry. And Louis. Christ. Fuck. _Louis_.

He remembers Aimee and goes back into the living room to collect his phone and takes it with him to the bathroom as he settles in near the toilet. “Aimes, oh my god. Aimee,” he whispers. “I don’t know what – Aimee, oh my god. Oh fuck, Aimes. Louis. And Harry. Christ Louis, baby. _Shit_ ,” he continues unintelligibly. He’s staring absently at the ugly painting of a pond that Louis insisted they needed in the bathroom, tear tracks drying on his face as shock begins to take over. Aimee stays quiet on the phone except for the occasional sniffle.

He hears a car door shut on her end then she says, voice quiet and watery, “Babe, I’m in your driveway. I’m coming in okay?”

Nicks nods unthinkingly and nearly twenty seconds later she walks into his view even though he didn’t hear his front door open. She stops in the doorway and they stare at each other. Nick notices that she’s stepped out of the house without make-up, which is unheard of, and that she’s been crying too. He shakes his head slowly as his bottom lip begins to wobble and his eyes well up again.

Aimee slips her shoes off and settles in next to him, shoulders pressed together tightly, partly for comfort and partly to help hold Nick the fuck together. He lets himself cry and drops his head onto her shoulder. _“_ Fuck,” he breathes, heartfelt. _Fuck_.

XxX

_“Louis!” Nick laugh-shouts, scandalised. “Your family is in the next room!” he continues at a lower volume._

_Louis’ smile is as gorgeous as it is blinding when he whispers, “Guess you’re gonna have t be quiet then innit?” as he carries on groping at Nick’s crotch over his jeans._

_They’ve only just arrived at Louis’ mum’s house and told everyone they’d be right back after putting their bags away. Nick was just lying on the bed, resting from the long drive while Louis changed into more comfortable clothes and the next thing he knew Louis was on him and well –._

_Well, here he is now._

_Nick pulls Louis’ hand to his chest and then grabs the other one as well, just in case. Louis rolls his eyes before saying, “When did you turn into such a boring old man?”_

_He answers his own question before Nick has a chance to, “Oh must be around the time you turned a hundred.”_

_Nick tries and fails to slap him with one of his own hands, “Good to know I’ve still got it at a hundred.”_

_Louis pretends to bite at his wrist, in an attempt to be freed, “Uhm, that’s awkward, because you don’t.”_

_Nick laughs faux-haughtily, “Jokes on you coz you’re the one dating me.”_

_Maturely, Louis sticks his tongue out but says nothing in reply. They look at each other, smiles wide and sincere. Nick watches as Louis’ smile shrinks and his face clouds over a little. “Hey?” he prompts lightly, rubbing a thumb soothingly over the back of Louis’ hands, still trapped in his._

_Louis blinks at him for a second with his blue blue blue eyes, “I’m sorry we’re not spending my break alone,” he apologises ridiculously. Nick shakes his head but Louis continues before he can butt in. “And you know I didn’t mean any of that shit I said the other day right? Like I’m always thinking about you and how I want to hold your hand and kiss you in public and sometimes that scares me shitless and so I chat a lot of shit, but like -. Like, I still love you. Like, I’ll always love you. So, like, I guess what I’m trying to say is sorry for being a prick, thank you for putting up with me and I love you,” he finishes, a light blush dusting his cheeks._

_It’s definitely not the first time Louis’ used the ‘L-word’ but he’s not as liberal with it as Nick is and the entire speech has warmed Nick’s heart. He’s practically swooning in the bed of a boy bander._

_What has his life become?_

_Nick keeps a hold on Louis’ hands and whispers, “Baby. Baby, as OneD as this is going to sound I don’t care where we are as long as we’re together.” Louis tries to roll his eyes but softens when Nick continues, “And when you’re on tour Lou, wherever you are, wherever I am, whatever happens, I always think about the time we spend together as my happiest times. How no one else has ever even come close to making me as happy as you do. You have nothing to apologise for, love. I’d do all this all over again, as many times as I had to, as long as it means that I get to end up here, with a beautiful boy in my bed, in my arms, in my heart. I don’t have any regrets, Lou. You don’t need to either. This relationship isn’t me putting up with you. I’m here because I want to be. Because I love you and I’d rather be here than anywhere else.”_

_“Jesus,” Louis whispers, eyes slightly misty. He looks at Nick with so much love._

_Nick successfully slaps him with one of his own hands._

_Louis’ face goes from startled to laughter, as a single tear escapes. He yanks his hands away and slaps at Nick’s chest repeatedly, “I take it back, I take it all back.”_

_Nick barks out a laugh, cradles his face and kisses him until Lottie knocks on the door._

XxX

Nick’s not really sure what he’s supposed to do with himself right now. So he convinces Aimee to take Pig with her, takes some time off work and drives himself to his parent’s house. The trip takes an hour longer than usual because he has to keep stopping every time his vision gets to blurry from the tears.

His parents have clearly already heard the news as the door opens before he’s finished parking the car and his mum is standing there with tears in her eyes. She pulls him into a hug the second he’s close enough and he buries his face into the crook of her neck, giving into another tidal wave of tears, right there in the doorway. “Mum. _Mum,_ ” he hears himself sob.

“ _Mum_! I don’t –,” he chokes out hysterically. She hushes him and pulls him in tighter. He feels her shoulders shake as she cries with him.

She coaxes him past the doorway eventually and his dad comes in from the garden, when they enter the living room. He stops in his tracks and stares with sad eyes when he sees Nick. Nick feels the muscles in his face spasm and his dad strides up to him and pulls him into a strong hug. Nick can count on both hands the number of times his dad has hugged him since he moved out for university.

 

XxX

_“Honey I’m home,” Nick declares, as he locks the front door._

_“My love,” he hears distinctly un-Louis voices croon back right before he’s tackled by three fully grown adult men._

_Nick enjoys the hug as he realises it’s the first time he’s seeing the three of them in months. Liam laughs and slaps him on the back before pulling away, closely followed by Niall. Harry wraps his arms around Nick’s shoulders from behind and nuzzles into his neck. Nick laughs at him and ruffles his hair. “Missed you babe,” he turns to Liam and Niall who are still smiling at him brightly, “Missed all of you lads.”_

_They return the sentiment and walk into the living room, trailed by Nick who is significantly slowed by having to navigate the familiar route with a limp Harry Styles hanging off of him._

_Louis is lounging on the couch playing FIFA when they wander in, sitting next to two abandoned controllers. Nick bends over to kiss him on the cheek despite Harry, and Louis turns his face to kiss him properly._

_Harry remains clinging on through the entire ordeal. Liam and Niall retake their positions at the unattended controllers and Harry waits until Nick has sat down before plopping down directly in his lap._

_Louis laughs at Nick’s sounds of distress._

_He eventually gives up his weak attempts of pushing Harry off and finds a comfortable position for both of them. Harry turns to him and starts whispering about how it’s been going with a girl named Kal, he met a few weeks ago. He has no idea why Harry’s whispering, since the other boys already know and Louis’ already filled him in too so he barely listens. Nick lets the deep, soothing cadence of his voice lull him in to a sense of comfort and safety as he watches Louis, Liam and Niall swear at and jostle each other._

 

XxX

The silence of the house drives him crazy the next day. He came here to escape the ghosts and memories of the apartment he shared with Louis but the silence is almost worse while his parents are at work.

He barely thinks before he gets back in his car and drives the short distance to the familiar house. He stays in the car for a few long moments breathing hard, trying to control his emotions. The door opens before he’s ready to step outside. Jay walks down the front steps on the way to her car and freezes mid step when she spots him. She looks worn out and tear stained. Like a strong breeze could shatter her into a million little pieces and carry them away in different directions. Like her whole world has fallen apart and she doesn’t know where to turn. Nick feels like he can relate to the feeling. He hops out of the car and walks towards her slowly.

After a few seconds, she begins crying silently. Tears resolutely trekking down her face as she tries her best to not make a sound. For the first time in the last few days Nick finds himself pulling someone into a hug instead of the other way around. They cry quietly into the embrace until one of the younger twins shouts from the window.

“Mummy look, Gwimmy’s here,” he announces. Jay pulls away and wipes at her face tiredly. She looks up at Earnest and nods.

“Yeah baby, he is,” she murmurs back. She turns back to Nick, “Do you want to come in, love?” she offers in the same, quietly tired tone.

Nick shakes his head quickly. “No, you were on your way somewhere, it’s okay,” he mumbles back thickly.

She nods a little, “Yeah, I was just –. I have to organise the –,” she cuts herself off. Nick nods despite not understanding, pulls her into another long hug and drives away again.

He’s nearly two streets away when his world tilts on its axis again as he realises she meant organise the _funeral_. He has to pullover until his breathing is back to normal and his vision clears.

He drives to a mostly undiscovered little café and orders the first thing he sees. He back-reads his texts with Louis and cries silently in the corner until he’s sure his parents will be back home.

 

XxX

_“Oh wait! Why did you sound so bloody jittery on the phone?” Harry asks from where he’s lying on his own living room floor, empty wine glass next to him._

_Nick kicks his feet up onto the ottoman and levels Harry with a haughty glare, “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re on about.”_

_Harry laughs at him and says, “Is that you’re way of saying you need more wine before you’ll tell me?”_

_Nick looks at him for a second longer before chuckling nervously, “Nah, alright. Here,” he says while gently tossing a blue velvet box on to Harry’s stomach._

_Harry coos at the engagement ring staring back at him, “Awh it’s so pretty.” He examines it for a little longer before he sits bolt upright. “Oh my god Nick!” he shouts, eyes wide. “Oh my god! You’re going to ask him to marry you?”_

_Nick nods at him, uncharacteristically shy. Harry calmly shuts the box and places it on the coffee table before launching himself at Nick. Nick laughs loudly and catches him._

_“Yeah? You don’t think it’s a terrible idea right?” he asks a little nervous and a little embarrassed._

_Harry shakes his head vigorously from where it’s buried in the crook of Nick’s neck. Nick looks down at his mop of curls curiously. “Oh my god, Styles. Are you crying?”_

_“Shuttup. It’s the wine,” he sniffles._

_Nick laughs and hugs him closer. Harry clears his throat after a second, “I’m really proud of you. You two make each other really happy.”_

_Nick whispers his thanks and makes sure Harry’s not looking before wiping at his eyes, smile lingering on his face._

 

XxX

The funerals are organised for the same day and they are every shade of awful. They’re beautifully and respectfully arranged, private ceremonies and Nick had to say goodbye to the pictures of faces he’d never see again. People he’d never be able to hold close, fall asleep next to. They’d never hug or laugh together or cry or argue.

Nick doesn’t last long there. He talks to all of the boys’ parents and tries to head out as quickly as possible. He’s on his way back to his car, head down, wiping at his red and sore eyes, when he smacks into a broad chest. There are hands around his shoulders steadying him and when he looks up he can’t stop himself from sucking in a loud breath.

Zayn looks back at him.

Nick opens his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. Zayn wraps his arms around Nick, “ _Jesus fucking Christ_ ,” he murmurs heartfelt. Nick nods into his shoulder and pulls back.

“Are you – uhm,” Nick mumbles uncertainly. Zayn looks at him for a long while and Nick nearly doesn’t notice the tears streaming down his face.

“I never – I never got to make anything better, Nick. I’m never going to be able to –,” Zayn chokes on his tears and wipes at his face fiercely.

“ _Shit_ ,” Nick whispers. Zayn nods.

He grips Nick’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort before striding off.

 

XxX

_Louis sniffs in his sleep and shuffles around a little. Nick smiles at him, from where he’s wide awake, when he tries to snuggle closer to Nick. Louis throws a leg over both of Nick’s and settles back into a deep sleep._

_The sliver of moonlight creeping in from the gap between the thick curtains falls across Louis face, highlighting the sharp lines of his face, softened in sleep. Nick brushes a gentle hand through his soft hair._

_“I love you,” he thinks. He can’t wait for the day he’s brave enough to say it out loud._

XxX

He goes back to work a week later. Everyone still treats him with gentle hands and careful words but they’re at least more willing to share a joke. Nick’s laughs don’t sound genuine, but he’s grateful they’re back again.

He doesn’t know how to put his life back on track and he’s not entirely sure he wants to.

They have a call in from a girl named Sarah for a song request. “Hi Sarah! How are you today?” he chirps in his best radio voice.

“Hi Grimmy, I’m alright, thanks. You?” she replies politely.

“Good good. What can we do for you today Sarah?”

“Well –,” she starts with a sigh, and Nick shares an amused glance with Matt at the weight attached to the single word. “It’s been nearly a month since the One Direction crash,” she continues and Nick feels his smile drop entirely. His heart nearly stutters to a stop as does everyone else in the room. “And even though I never knew any of them personally, the boys and their songs helped me so much through some incredibly difficult times and I haven’t really been able to move on from the crash until today. I think I’ve finally accepted that while they were a beautiful and vital part of my life, I’m ready to turn over a new leaf and start a new chapter. They still matter to me but they can’t be all that matters to me anymore. So I wanted to request History by One Direction,” she finishes, her voices getting steadily less stable as she spoke.

Nick sits frozen, a few seconds of dead air pass by before he nods at the microphone and whispers, “Yeah. Yes Sarah. We can do that for you. Thank you for calling in.”

Matt cues the song straight away and Nick thinks about the top drawer of his desk where a blue velvet box sits, waiting to be opened.

XxX

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading beautiful people! 
> 
> Kudos make my day and comments make my entire week. xx


End file.
